Dramatic scenes on television on Monday, where Phillip Schofield was feeling scared and vulnerable and was watching his every step as he tried to avoid being ambushed by venomous snakes. No, he wasn’t back at This Morning. The disgraced former TV legend was attempting a solo ten day survival course on a remote Madagascan island for Channel 5’s Cast Away.
Why Schofield was even on that island is still up for debate. And it’s a debate that will no doubt continue for the next two nights and beyond. Some will argue that Channel 5 was simply and ruthlessly exploiting a clearly troubled 62-year-old man. A man who was, he says, talked down from ending it all by his daughter just 18 months ago.
For Channel 5’s sake, you’d have to hope that was not the case, and that he had been put through one of those rigorous psychological assessments we hear so much about in relation to reality TV these days.
Others will claim that Schofield is a desperate and calculating fame-hungry monster who saw the show as his route back into the big time. If that was his motivation for taking part, then surely he would have bitten the bullet and done I’m A Celebrity in front of 12 million viewers on ITV rather than Cast Away on Channel 5, which would be lucky to pull in a tenth of that figure.
Watch a teaser for Cast Away
As Schofield himself pointed out, most of those watching would have been hoping “I never come back.” Judging by the reaction on social media he may have been right in that. Unfortunately, his words also highlighted the biggest of Cast Away’s many flaws.
For the viewer, there was no real jeopardy. It was all filmed months ago and, thanks to his sudden social media activity in the last week or so, we already knew that he had survived.
Therefore, in terms of an entertaining and engrossing watch, we were left with the prospect of three nights of an angry and unkempt grey-haired fella wandering around the (let’s be honest, fairly boring) desert island looking for mangos and coconuts and moaning about the injustices of life into a hand held camera. I mean, I wasn’t exactly expecting him to suddenly stumble across a message in a bottle from Holly Willoughby that read “Firstly, are you OK?”, but some excitement would have been nice.
More than once during the opening episode, I found myself wondering why Channel 5 didn’t save some money and just let him film himself alone in his massive garden for ten days instead. It was perhaps no coincidence then that this first episode’s running time was mainly filled with pre-show interviews with Schofield and/or his family.
Here it must be noted that his wife and two daughters seem like solid gold rocks, although given his track record, I did think Molly may have been underestimating her dad’s acting skills when she said, “You can’t fake it on a desert island.”
Away from the family support, we were even treated to a good luck message from his fellow desert island survivalist Joanna Lumley, who advised him to spend his days “trying to find wood.” (Oi! You there at the back. Stop sniggering “That’s how he got into this mess in the first place, Joanna.”)
To be fair, Channel 5 did attempt some kind of dramatic cliffhanger when Schofield was trying to catch crabs in the dead of night. A sudden panic hit him as he began to worry that his head torch was about to run out of power — AND HE HADN’T BROUGHT THE SPARE!!!
It was hardly The Blair Witch Project though. Plus, we were quickly pulled from the edge of the cliff thanks to Channel 5 running a suspense-killing “coming up tomorrow night” teaser in which he appeared to be fine. Now, I will admit that prior to the broadcast the old showbiz dog in me had been hoping that Schofield would come out all guns blazing and start naming names.
Sadly, that hope was quickly extinguished. Yes, he said a couple of things that may have been directed at Holly Willoughby. There were also general comments about angry and bitter TV presenters and bosses which, let’s face it, could have been aimed at any number of people. He didn’t go into specific detail about his supposed cancellation though (Pip, mate, you’re actually on prime time telly. Rumours of your cancellation may have been exaggerated.)
This also highlighted another flaw in the programme. Call it the elephant in the jungle room, if you like. There were two people involved in that “unwise but not illegal” relationship — and we’d already heard Schofield’s side of the story. Until the public is given the full picture, I’m afraid Schofield will never receive the “fair crack of the whip” that he so dearly craves.
Whether you — or indeed Schofield himself — think that is fair or not is almost irrelevant here. It’s the way the cookie crumbles, and Schofield has enough showbiz miles on his clock to know that. Also, I suspect he was still wily enough to have insisted on some kind of editorial control of the finished product. There was certainly plenty of evidence in the first episode to suggest that someone had been busy in post-production.
So if you are expecting a full-on meltdown between now and Wednesday night, it may be best to prepare for a little disappointment. And that’s before we even factor in Schofield’s many years of performing for a crowd on the stage, darling.
All of which leaves you with a choice: Do you stick with it in the vain hope that Schofield loses control or starts having fever dreams in which he sees a seething Eamonn Holmes motoring towards him across the beach on his mobility scooter?
Or do you save yourself a couple of wasted hours and do a runner now?
Cast Away is available to stream on Channel 5.