Are you a fan of Legolas in Lord of the Rings, Katy Perry’s husband or knock-off Rufus Sewell (I think that covers all the categories he can be found in), Orlando Bloom? Do you want to see him do something dangerous while bro-ing down in a mockney accent that is only slightly more irritating than the Buddhist chanting he does with the alpha Americans who teach him the dangerous things? You do? You don’t think it will be wildly boring to watch? You don’t think you’ll be in danger of turning inside out with embarrassment as you listen to him say things such as, “My greatest fear is that I won’t overcome my fear and that it will consume me”? Or “I think I’m a collector of experiences”? Or “There’s nobody not living vitally in our family”? Or “I never feel so alive being so close to death”?
No? OK then – have I got great news for you! Orlando Bloom: to the Edge is a three-part series containing all this and more. Much more! And, at the same time, much less! In the first episode, (which is, by the grace of some benevolent god, the only one available for review) Bloom must learn to skydive and wingsuit in under two weeks. I say “must”. Bloom has chosen to learn to skydive and wingsuit in under two weeks because: a) actors are easily bored, b) actors are quite stupid, c) he wants to d) he wants the money that comes with making a television series about it, e) needs a timeframe that should in theory infuse proceedings with a compelling sense of jeopardy or f) a combination of some or all of the above.
Alas, much of the sense of jeopardy is mitigated by the fact that there have been no recent headlines announcing that any beloved LoTR actors/husbands of Katy Perry/knock-off Rufus Sewells have been splattered across the Santa Ynez Valley – “Bloom-ed His Last”? “OrLANDon’t” for the tabloids? – after jumping out of a plane with minimal training.
Nevertheless, onward we must go as Bloom meets expert skydiver and wingsuiter Luke Aikins, a man who has completed more than 21,000 jumps since he began training at the age of 12 and the first person ever to jump from 25,000ft without a parachute (and survive, I guess? I’d like to know what happened to earlier attempters). He keeps an admirably straight face as our celebrity talks him through the symbols on the custom-made jumpsuit he’s brought with him and takes time-outs to do the protective chanting that I assume all celebrity skydiving Buddhists require.
Then Bloom gets put in a windtunnel, where he looks like a dying fly until he learns to flip over on to his belly. Luke and wife Monica (2,500 jumps under her belt) talk him through the necessary instructions so fast that you are surprised it still manages to be so extraordinarily boring (something about toggles, arm up, arm down, check your altimeter, keep your eyes on Luke and Monica at all times). Bloom jumps, first with them, then a little bit without them, then on his own. Then the Queen dies and the Aikins have to keep straight faces again while their trainee has a contemplative moment. “They don’t make ’em like tha’ any more,” says the world’s least convincing glottal stopper since Guy Ritchie. “God save the Queen.”
Then it’s on with what passes for the show. Once he’s done enough jumps without smearing himself over a large area – though one’s hopes do rise when his main parachute fails to deploy properly on his second jump and everyone gets to shout the word “protocol!” a lot – he gets to move on to wingsuiting, which is when we get to learn WTF wingsuiting is. It’s skydiving but in an inflatable suit that makes you look like a flying squirrel.
The best bit is how fabulously unimpressed Katy Perry is by it all. She watches the big finale – squirrel-gliding three miles down the coast and trying not to land in the water and drown – and pretends an interest. But she so clearly doesn’t care that you find yourself quite warming to her. Not enough to give the remaining two episodes a go, obviously, but a warming nevertheless.
after newsletter promotion