The rom-com gods have heard my pleas and bestowed upon us an episode of Nobody Wants This with a Sasha subplot. It’s a fun little thing, but it definitely confirms my suspicions that Timothy Simons is stealing the show at every turn. An A+ doofus brother performance if there ever was one.
In “Obliterated,” Sasha is thrilled to discover that with Esther heading out to wing woman for Rebecca and their daughter, Miriam, at a sleepover, he’ll have the house to himself. We haven’t known Sasha that long, but I think this might be the greatest night of his life. He has lost count of how many edibles he’s taken, he’s cued up a little Mission: Impossible for his viewing pleasure (on Tom Cruise: “You are a problematic weirdo, but goddamn it, you’re a movie star!”), and he even has a little song to celebrate the evening: “I got chicken parm / And my family’s gone / And I’m gonna eat some weed / Everything is better when my family’s gone / And I’m gonna watch TV.” An absolute banger.
His perfect night is interrupted, though, when Miriam comes busting through the door with a boy problem. Now, neither Miriam nor Sasha want him to be the one to help her through this, but he’s all she’s got. He’s honestly not that bad. Sure, he’s high off his gourd and he definitely catfishes a 12-year-old boy in the process, but in the end, he helps Miriam find out that the boy she’s crushing on likes her back and saves his daughter from deep embarrassment. He’s a national hero in his house.
The story line ends on a nice little button, too. When Esther comes home, quite buzzed, and hears what her husband did for Miriam, she can’t wait to take him to bed. It’s very cute, and it’s nice to see a different side to their relationship. With all the insults and digs they throw at each other (in this episode: “Have you met Esther? She’s not fun, that’s why I married her”), we get a reminder that they do actually love each other, you know?
This Sasha story line, of course, is not the headliner of the episode. The headliner is that we get another reunion between Kristen Bell and a former co-star when The Good Place’s D’Arcy Carden pops in as one of Joanne’s friends. Okay, fine, that’s very cool and fun, but the actual headliner of this episode is that Joanne and Noah finally go on an official first date. The conflict is brewing even before Noah picks her up at her house because we know that these two are coming into this date with very different goals.
In a conversation with Sasha and Noah’s … condom guy, Noah realizes that to everyone else, this Joanne thing seems like a clear-cut rebound situation. Okay, first, I have so many questions about this Condom Guy: Does Noah just not want to be seen buying condoms because he’s a rabbi? Did Noah just text his friend the eggplant emoji like some sort of safe-sex bat signal? Does this grown man have any other job other than friendly condom supplier? Please tell me more! Regardless, Noah tries to explain that, yes, Joanne is fun, and she’s definitely the opposite of Rebecca, but it’s actually more than just a rebound. This could be a serious relationship — there’s something bigger going on here. Sasha and Condom Guy remain unconvinced. Noah is headed into this date to prove to them, and to himself, really, that he and Joanne have a deeper connection.
Joanne is headed into this date with the exact opposite desire. Is Morgan actively sabotaging her sister’s relationship or subconsciously doing it? Because when it comes to advice, wow, Morgan’s couldn’t be worse — or, perhaps, she’s just never met a decent guy and therefore has no idea how to read Noah? As Joanne gets ready for her date and talks about things like how “this could be the last time I have sex with somebody for the first time,” Morgan is alarmed. Joanne is already talking about Noah as if he’s the one, but she barely knows him. She gives her sister some tough love: She’s acting like a psychopath. They both know that their mom can be overly emotional and obsessive and it drives men away — Morgan tells Joanne that she is just like their mom. If she wants to keep Noah around, she needs to be chill, casual, fun. You see where the problem may lie once Joanne and Noah meet up?
This date goes off the rails immediately. Joanne might be trying to have some real chill here, but Noah can see the stress all over her face when Morgan calls her (again, this has to be conscious subterfuge, right?) and tells her that she tried but she cannot find the vibrator they need to test out before their big sex therapist guest comes (not that way) on their show the next day, and now she has something to do so it’s up to Joanne. Listen, I’m rooting for Morgan, who clearly feels left behind, but also she is a real dick. Anyway, Noah insists that they go run whatever errand Joanne needs to before dinner — they have the time and it’s important to her. He’s the best.
He does not know, however, that the errand is to head into a sex shop and peruse the vibrators for the Obliterator. A perfect vibrator name, to be honest. The sales clerk warns Joanne and Noah to be careful with it because his friend dialed it all the way up to the highest setting on the first go and “she can’t fly now because the shaking is so triggering.” This is not an in-and-out (not that way) sex shop visit, though. While trying to locate the Obliterator, Joanne’s trying to keep things flirty and fun and pretend what is happening right now isn’t awkward. Noah’s trying to forge a deeper connection. This means that right around the time Joanne is fastening a studded dog collar around Noah’s neck, he’s asking Joanne what her biggest fear is. She says “a bad face-lift” because she’s trying to be cool and low-key, but the whole thing is chaos.
And that’s before Mr. Goldberg, a board member at Noah’s temple, bumps into him while he and his wife are buying a bondage set. It’s awkward for all parties involved, and Noah heads out to have himself a little panic attack on the street. This is not a good look for the rabbi, especially if his boss finds out. Never fear! Joanne and her stalking skills are here to save the day. She’s initially looking for some contact info for the guy so Noah can talk to him and try to explain, but she winds up stumbling on some much more interesting information: That woman he was buying the bondage set with? That was not Mrs. Goldberg. Mr. Goldberg will want to keep this little meeting just as much a secret as Noah does. It’s a bummer for the real Mrs. Goldberg, but our guy is very relieved. He has every reason to be: Later, Noah’s boss, Rabbi Cohen, informs him that Mr. Goldberg just made the biggest donation he’s ever made to the temple, and he said he was “inspired” by Noah. “Keep up the good work,” Rabbi Cohen tells him.
With dinner plans ruined, Noah takes Joanne back to his place and whips something up for them. She is very impressed. Again: Are our bars too low? Even more impressive: Noah isn’t scared to be upfront about his feelings. He noticed that Joanne got a little weird when he asked about her fears. “I felt that,” she responds. “I mean, when you asked me my biggest fear in the sex shop, that felt weird.” But what Noah means, of course, is that she didn’t seem interested in connecting. He’s very clear: He wants this to be something real, but if she’s just looking for fun, it’s totally fine — he just wants to know. Now it’s Joanne who’s relieved. She’s relieved not to feel like a psycho for taking this new relationship so seriously.
And then she’s ready to open up about her biggest fear. Well, sort of ready. She does need to turn around so she isn’t looking Noah in the face when she says it. What she’s really afraid of — besides a bad face-lift, which is a legitimate concern — is that she’ll push him away. She’s impulsive and obsessive and, yes, does some really weird shit. She’s afraid that she “will become emotionally dependent on a guy who will one day realize that I’m too much and break my heart.” When he turns her around, she’s wiping a tear away and wonders if this is the “most unattractive thing [he’s] ever seen.” His response? “No. The most attractive. I want this. All of this.” Friends, I gasped. What a fucking line!! I mean, I think he’s quite sincere, but holy shit, I had to stand up. When Joanne asks him if he’s going to break her heart, he tells her, “It would truly kill me to break your heart.” I don’t know; I’m sweating. I’m also so grateful these two finally take this show to the bedroom. It was about time they got laid. They needed it. We all needed it! And even better, Joanne gets to call up her sister and tell her she showed Noah all of her crazy and then had incredible sex with him. It didn’t scare him off. “I’m actually really into it,” he adds. And isn’t that what everyone wants? Someone who is down with your brand of crazy?