In 2022, scientists discovered something truly disturbing. Believe it or not, some men can become allergic to their own orgasms. As a result of an unfortunate autoimmune response to their sperm, sufferers swiftly develop flu-like symptoms. They feel weak and feverish and start coughing and sneezing. In some cases, they can even experience problems with their speech, concentration and memory. It’s called “post-orgasmic illness syndrome”.
Covid was bad enough. But imagine if we’d had a pandemic of that, instead. Horrific! Especially if, after the Government had made sex illegal, it emerged that everyone in Downing Street had secretly been having mass orgies, all along.What a thought!
This week, however, scientists discovered something that sounds even more alarming. Since the start of the pandemic, they found, the quality of our sperm has plummeted. To be specific, its motility – that is, the ability of individual sperm to swim – has declined by an astonishing 22 per cent. But what could be the reason for this precipitous and unexpected fall?
Well, here’s the scientists’ leading theory. A combination of lockdown and working from home has caused our sperm to become as lazy as we are.
Professor Allan Pacey of the University of Manchester, who is the study’s co-author, said: “There’s not really a lot of evidence that the virus affects sperm. But we thought about what else changed at that time and of course, everybody’s sitting at home, not going to work, probably doing less exercise, watching more Netflix or eating different stuff. It just seemed to be fairly plausible that it was a lifestyle change.”
If the scientists’ theory is right, this is deadly serious. Britain’s birth rate was already sliding towards dangerous lows. We were facing a demographic time bomb. But now it seems we’re in even greater trouble than we thought. Thanks to our bone-idle sperm, the country’s birth rate will collapse altogether – and, in consequence, so will our economy, public services, and society as a whole. Lockdown was meant to save lives. Instead, it may have put Britain’s entire future at risk.
The solution is clear. To revive our flagging fertility, the Government must launch a major public campaign, urging us all to stop working from home and get back to the office at once. Commuting may be a tiresome, time-consuming and outrageously expensive nuisance. But, if that’s what it takes to save this proud nation of ours from oblivion, every man must be willing to do his patriotic duty.
Boris Johnson was the one who forced us into lockdown. Now he has the chance to make amends. After all, if the Government is looking for someone to promote male virility, he’s the perfect man for the job.