I’m afraid that it’s my duty to report a suspected case of ‘Famous Last Words’ as the latest series of Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins kicked off on Channel 4 on Sunday night. Scottish-American actor John Barrowman, clearly still smarting from what he saw as a tabloid-driven campaign to cancel him over some innocent backstage high jinks, turned up in the wilds of New Zealand’s south islands with one intention.
“I want people to see the kind of person I really am,” a buff and confident Barrowman announced at the start of this opening episode. Fast forward ten minutes, and he’d been magically transformed into a freezing cold, soaking wet, retching mess that was threatening to quit the entire show.
Thanks to a helpful SAS man with a stopwatch, the history books will record that Barrowman lasted exactly 32 minutes in the camp. Whether the former Torchwood star believes he succeeded in completing his stated mission is for him to decide.
He can at least take some comfort from the fact that in simply handing in his number and scarpering, he made a mockery of lead DS Jason ‘Foxy’ Fox’s earlier claim that “There isn’t gonna be an easy way out.”
Who knows, given the nature of the aforementioned tabloid scandal, JB might even see some humour in the fact that his failure was possibly down to him not showing enough balls on this occasion. Anyway, I’m not about to judge him. Sure, I’ll happily laugh and wince along as contestant after contestant befalls some terrifying mishap on the most brutal and punishing reality show on television.
However, I do so safely in the knowledge that there’s no way I’d ever put myself through half the things they are subjected to — and I know I’m not the only viewer who approaches this show in that way.
To be fair, the thought of having to spend weeks in such close proximity to characters from TOWIE, Love Island and Geordie Shore would be enough to put me off, never mind all that dangling from a safety rope 400 feet above a ravine stuff. Amazingly, this show never seems to struggle when it comes to finding contestants. Although, thanks to Channel 4’s budget cuts, for the foreseeable future we will only see celebrities taking part.
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Storyline-wise, Barrowman was obviously the major booking this year, so his early exit meant the production team had to divert the limelight elsewhere. TOWIE’s Pete Wicks would have been an obvious choice given that he was the returning hero, having another go at the course after smashing his ribs up a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, much to Channel 4’s dismay, this year’s Strictly Come Dancing cast list has also got Wicks’ name on it. So I’m guessing that unless he did something truly spectacular out in New Zealand he’ll get lost in the edit as the series progresses.
Luckily, Channel 4 had someone on hand with the surname Johnson, who is a member of “the most unpopular family in the country.” No, not Boris. As if he would do this show when he knows I’m A Celebrity will ultimately pay more if he holds out for long enough.
And while I know it would be most unlike the disgraced former PM to allow someone else to take his flak, he must have been delighted to hear that his little sister Rachel had stepped into the breach. Bizarrely, when the Directing Staff chose Rachel to be this year’s first interrogation victim, she seemed fully resigned to her role in life.
“When my brother became PM I kinda knew it would be a tough few years,” she said, perhaps speaking for the nation. She then tried to convince them that she was a privileged princess who needed shaking out of her comfort zone.
I’m not convinced the DS bought it. I’m not sure I did either, not least when she claimed she was the sort of person who “sends the coffee back three times.” I mean, why would anyone in their right mind send a coffee back three times? Just imagine what extra delights it would have in it by the time it made its fourth visit to your table. Obviously, this was all part of the redemption arc narrative of which this programme is so fond.
Barrowman would no doubt have been given the opportunity to create his own arc if he’d stuck around long enough. It might not work out that way for Johnson in the end, of course. Despite a promising start, she utterly failed the second mission when she, erm, shot the hostage she had been tasked with rescuing. Some might call this a “let the bodies pile high” approach. I couldn’t possibly comment.
If it does all go pear-shaped for Johnson, the most likely candidate for the uplifting, against-all-odds routine at this early stage would appear to be Bobby Norris from TOWIE.
He’s already failed both tasks and been treated to the hood over the head in the middle of the night interrogation. Nevertheless, Bobby remains determined to conquer his many fears.
“As Albert Einstein once said,” he defiantly proclaimed, “Nuffink comfortable comes from comfort zones.”
Really, Bobby? Would that be the Albert Einstein who came up with the Theory of Relativity? Or the Albert Einstein from the Smart Meter adverts with Angela Rippon?
Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins is streaming on Channel 4.