The Titanic sank faster than this marriage — and had fewer leaks!
For months now, we’ve been hearing that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are on the verge of divorce.
We’re still waiting, told that Affleck will imminently file over Lopez’s unquenchable thirst for fame, even as his camp appears to brief the media on his day-to-day thoughts, feelings, and multimillion-dollar real estate moves.
To be clear: There’s no one to root for here.
Jennifer Lopez is also awful — the stories of her snatching back Affleck’s generous cash tips to service workers are too easily believable, as are reports of her ‘don’t-look-at-me’ edicts and of screaming at underlings.
For months now, we’ve been hearing that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are on the verge of divorce.
But the idea that Affleck is suffering under her white-hot spotlight beggars belief.
Yes, the guy who’s been famous for the bulk of his adult life, who sought mega-stardom as Batman, recently appeared on comic Kevin Hart‘s podcast to insist that he’s ‘a little bit shy’ and that J.Lo’s celebrity is ‘f**kin’ bananas’, before offering this whopper: ‘I also don’t like a lot of attention.’
That must be why Affleck appeared in not one but two recent Dunkin’ commercials alongside Lopez. Or why he produced her documentary about their love.
Or why he displayed his mid-life crisis makeover in LA last weekend, strolling for the paparazzi with his Travis Bickle-inspired mohawk and motorcycle gear, endlessly waving his left hand out of luxury vehicles so we can see whether he’s wearing his wedding ring.
Or why sources close to him claimed this week that he’s delaying the divorce filing — brace yourselves — to spare Lopez further humiliation.
‘He’s very protective of her,’ a source said.
Right — of course! That’s why it emerged from insiders, way back in May, that ‘if there was a way to divorce on the grounds of temporary insanity, he would… he feels like the last two years was just a fever dream.’
Saying you were literally out of your mind when you married — that’s keeping Lopez’s dignity intact, for sure.
Doug Emhoff, step aside: Affleck is America’s Top Cad now.
Recall Affleck’s on-camera soliloquy, in J.Lo’s doc about their amazing, unprecedented love story, calling his wife a bottomless pit of need, forever broken by childhood trauma that no amount of therapy could fix.
‘In Jennifer’s case,’ he opined, ‘I don’t think there’s enough followers or movies or records or any of that stuff to fill that part of you that feels that longing, that pain.’
True? Sure, if we’re to go by the number of pap strolls and Instagram posts Lopez is generating of late, trying to convince us all that she’s having her own Hot Girl Summer in the Hamptons.
But Affleck could just as easily have been talking about himself.
Affleck displayed his mid-life crisis makeover in LA last weekend, strolling for the paparazzi with his Travis Bickle-inspired mohawk and motorcycle gear (pictured).
If we’re to go by the number of pap strolls and Instagram posts Lopez is generating of late, it seems she is trying to convince us all that she’s having her own Hot Girl Summer in the Hamptons. (Pictured last month in the Hamptons).
This is a middle-aged man who stormed out of their shared $60 million mansion into a $100,000-per-month rental. He was then sure to be photographed looking chummy and lovey with his ex-wife, Jennifer Garner — who herself, as the superhero ‘Elektra’, makes a crack about Affleck in the new ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ movie.
A modest proposal: What if Affleck, Lopez and Garner are all in on this ongoing soap opera — a telenovela, if you will?
It certainly benefits all three players: Garner’s back in action as Ben’s savior. Lopez gets to play the wronged woman who has everything but lasting love. And Ben reprises his best-known role as a sad-sack genius who just wants to make movies, if only the women in his life would tone it down.
This is a theory I can get behind.
After all, Affleck v. Lopez is the biggest showbiz storyline going, with Garner a supporting player, their poor children all pawns in this sordid game. It’s a Faustian bargain to be sure, but perhaps they’re happy with it.
Think about it: J.Lo’s recent documentary, movie musical, and comeback album crashed and burned. After her tour sold so poorly, she had to cancel it entirely, though claimed that she did so for ‘family’ reasons.
Affleck’s last movie, ‘Air’, opened to middling reviews, barely turned a profit, and garnered no Oscar nods. Garner is better known for her real-life role as his long-suffering ex-spouse than for any acting gig.
No wonder neither Affleck nor J.Lo have actually filed for divorce.
They’re performing their greatest, most dramatic roles yet, even if the script is getting boring and repetitive.
Seriously — as most Americans suffer through this economy, an apparently separated J.Lo jetted off last month to Italy, where only two sights caught her attention: Her left butt cheek and her right one, which she lovingly photographed, on a yacht, with her iPhone.
Then it was off to the Hamptons, where she was photographed constantly, including yelling at paparazzi to get away from her.
Here’s the thing: Paparazzi don’t lurk in the Hamptons. It’s too sprawled out, too wealthy, too private. Paul McCartney lives in the Hamptons unfettered and unbothered. So do Madonna, Jay-Z and Beyoncé, and all manner of megastars.
If J.Lo is getting photographed, it’s because someone is tipping off the press.
And how could we forget the Bridgerton-themed birthday party she threw herself to honor a landmark birthday: 55.
Jennifer Lopez is within striking distance of collecting Social Security checks. Yet she carries on like a teenager, making her guests wear heavy gowns in high heat and watch adoringly as she sings ‘Happy Birthday’ to herself.
And how could we forget the Bridgerton-themed birthday party she threw herself to honor a landmark birthday: 55. It all feels very ‘let them eat cake’, doesn’t it?
It all feels very ‘let them eat cake’, doesn’t it?
Especially as Affleck snubbed Lopez’s birthday, instead closing on a new $20 million home back in LA.
It’s all reminiscent of the ways Affleck humiliated Garner in the waning days of their marriage: his reported affair with the nanny (which Affleck has always denied), his garish back tattoo depicting a phoenix rising from the ashes — ‘Am I the ashes? I take umbrage,’ Garner famously snapped back — and his callous comment to Howard Stern that, had he stayed married to Garner, ‘I’d probably still be drinking’.
Ben’s sobriety, and its precarious state, is always part of his storyline. As is making whatever woman he’s leaving suffer — greatly and publicly.
As recently as Wednesday night, we were treated to ever more updates.
‘They know for sure that they are not built for the long haul,’ one friend told Page Six. ‘It’s gonna be the most elaborate and expensive exercise in closure ever.’
Oh my God — WE GOT THE MEMO.
At this point, we are all the children of this divorce, hiding in our metaphorical bedrooms while silently praying that these two just pull the damn plug already.
We’re exhausted. The constant leaking, the tit-for-tat, the vulgar displays of wealth while bitching about fame, the promises to end it — enough!
It doesn’t have to be this way. But Ben and J.Lo are making it so.
In this most insufferable sense — this extreme need for attention, no matter how negative — they are, truly, well-matched.