Dear Jane,
Last week I went on my first vacation with my boyfriend… and his entire family. We’ve been together for three years but for one reason or another have never travelled together, so when his parents asked if I’d like to join them on a trip to Italy, I jumped at the chance.
I’ve always felt like his mom and dad haven’t exactly warmed to me so thought this would be a great opportunity to win them over. I studied Italian in college and (perhaps foolishly) thought they’d be dazzled by my linguistic skills and my knowledge of the local culture.
At first, everything went amazingly. We met my boyfriend’s mom, dad and sister – as well as her husband – in Rome and spent several days touring around all of the classic hotspots, while eating some delicious food.
Then we made our way to Capri to spend a few days by the ocean. It was here that things all kind of fell apart.
Dear Jane, I had a mortifying accident during my first vacation with my boyfriend and his parents – now I’m terrified he’s going to end our relationship because of it
On our first day in Capri I spent way too long in the sun without drinking enough water and felt pretty awful by the time dinner rolled around, so my boyfriend suggested I skip it and go straight to bed, which I did.
His parents made some snide (or at least what I thought was snide) comments about it being ‘such a shame I didn’t feel strong enough’ to go out, but I tried to forget it and just passed out.
Anyway, long story short, I still felt gross the next day but felt like I had to push through and managed to make it through to dinner. But on the way back from the restaurant, I started to feel really really queasy. You know that feeling when you realize you have maybe 10 seconds before disaster hits? Well that was me.
And what do you know, moments later I was projectile vomiting in the street. It was like something out of a horror movie.
I was absolutely mortified.
In the moment, everyone was very sweet and they got me back to the hotel in one piece. But later on I heard my boyfriend’s mom commenting on how much wine I’d had to drink at dinner, and wasn’t it a shame I couldn’t control myself in public.
The last night of our trip, my boyfriend asked me to ‘lay off the drink’, which makes me think he actually believes his mom’s suggestion that I was vomiting from alcohol?
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Since we got home, he’s been distant, and I can’t help but feel like this stupid stomach bug or food poisoning or whatever is going to make him break up with me.
Am I being paranoid or is this a mess that I’m not going to be able to fix?
From,
Stomach Upset
Dear Stomach Upset,
It’s hard to know whether there’s information missing in your letter, because there’s no mention of alcohol from you until your boyfriend and his mother commented on it.
And it’s hard to parse out because I’m not sure why they would even think about mentioning alcohol, unless alcohol was part of the story.
The fact that you overheard your boyfriend’s mother comment on how much wine you’d had with dinner suggests to me that perhaps wine was part of this issue?
Which is not to say you might not also have picked up a stomach bug, but I’m wondering if you are being entirely honest with yourself about what happened.
Let’s assume that alcohol had no part to play in this and that you contracted an awful bug. If they all jumped straight to the wrong conclusion, with your boyfriend telling you to lay off the drink when you hadn’t been drinking, I would urge you to think long and hard about your relationship.
Disbelieving and further, diminishing you, is not the sign of a healthy relationship.
Communication is everything. An honest discussion with your boyfriend, asking why they assumed it was alcohol, and providing evidence that alcohol is not a problem, might be called for.
If he is getting ready to break up with you, there is little that can change that, and I’m sorry. It is heartbreaking to watch someone fall out of love with you, particularly when you think it’s over something so small, except it’s rarely over the one, tiny small thing.
For all you know this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, but please know that what we expect, and deserve, from those we love, is to be not only loved, but treasured, comforted when sick, and believed.
Dear Jane,
I recently underwent a couples’ counseling session with my partner to address issues we are having around communication and arguments.
Halfway through our session an extremely sensitive topic came up and my partner responded very poorly. He went off on the counsellor and was very defensive, animated and rude.
In the midst of his meltdown the counsellor started to apologize to me, telling me that she is sorry I am experiencing domestic violence and emotional abuse at the hands of my partner, and asking if I would like to see her for a session alone.
I understand that his actions were not OK – as does he. He immediately booked himself in for a series of solo sessions with another therapist in a bid to try and better understand his behavior, and to mitigate it moving forward.
However I am now in a complete tailspin that someone who spoke with us for 25 minutes has said that I am being abused, and honestly I’m really confused about her statements.
Am I so naïve that I can’t see it? Or is it the case that someone can have bad habits and exhibit awful behavior, but still be a good partner and person?
I am now questioning my entire relationship with the father of my child, and am really struggling not to ruminate constantly on what this means for our future. Should I even allow the relationship to go on if I’m questioning every action he makes or every single thing he says?
Would love to get your thoughts.
From,
Reality Bites
Dear Reality Bites,
It seems to me that a counsellor who barely knows the two of you, who does not know your history or the ins and outs of your relationship (and indeed, who can, unless they are living behind your closed doors?), does not have the right to call something domestic violence or abuse.
They certainly have the right to express concerns, but this is very extreme language, and I understand why it is so upsetting to you.
We are living in times where labels are becoming more and more convenient, and people – even well-meaning therapists – are slapping labels on situations they are not completely familiar with.
I understand why this has so unnerved you, however you need to take a step back and look at the evidence.
Your partner immediately did all the right things after the explosion – he booked more therapy for himself, and took the correct steps to rectify. This suggests to me that he is indeed a good partner and a good person, and that he loves you enough to do the work.
Good people can do bad things. The mark of a truly good person is for them to immediately take responsibility for the things they have done, and then do the work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
There are a lot of bad therapists out there. I suggest you ignore this therapist, and focus on the work your partner is doing, and strengthening your relationship. I wish you well.