Christmas’ victory might have been unsurprising but it broke the mould. Mystifyingly, a woman hasn’t won this contest for nine years. Indeed, a woman has never triumphed without a dancing dog at her side. True to form, tonight’s 10 qualifiers were joined by the judges’ wildcard pick: The TrickStars, aka Lucy Heath and her prancing pooches. Many viewers were incensed that blind opera duo Denise & Stefan were overlooked in favour of choreographic canines again. A barking mad decision. TrickStars also plumped for a Greatest Showman-themed routine, which has become a thundering BGT cliché. Never enough? On the contrary.
Bookmaker’s second favourite, neurodiverse comedian Alex Mitchell, was visibly nervous and delivered his weakest routine when it mattered most – a fact he acknowledged after his set. He finished a disappointing eighth. Giving a shout-out to rugby league star-turned-motor neurone disease campaigner Rob Burrow, whose death was announced shortly before the show, was a lovely touch at least.
Likeable illusionist Trixy played an overlong card trick which was a tad too easy to work out. To make matters worse, he made Z-list pop star Peter Andre magically appear. If he’d made reality TV fixture Andre vanish from our screens instead, he might have earned more votes. Singing impressionist Mike Woodhams, a doppelgänger of Mr Poppy from Nativity, ran through a jukebox of vocal impersonations which were more miss than hit.
Behind the judgely table, it was business as usual. Holden wore her now-traditional revealing frock. Cowell unconvincingly insisted this was the best final ever. Dixon whooped a lot. Tonioli waved his arms around flamboyantly. Since it was the final, the panel was in gushing praise mode, which soon became monotonous. Honest critiques were missed, as were those red buzzers.
A patience-testing, frequently tedious two-and-a-half-hour finale took in eight commercial breaks, incessant plugs and copious recaps. While we waited for ITV to milk the call charges, we were treated to guest turns from the casts of A Chorus Line and Mamma Mia! Presumably all the famous people were washing their hair.
After two months of auditions and five nights of live semi-finals, this was a bloated climax with a deeply predictable outcome. A serious revamp is needed. Genuine amateurs and actual Britons wouldn’t be a bad place to start.