Tuesday, November 5, 2024

Brawn, bazookas and killer bots: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s finest films – ranked!

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20. Twins (1988)

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito play twins separated at birth. That’s it, that’s the film. The first of three comedies Schwarzenegger made for director-producer Ivan Reitman proved the action star didn’t take himself as seriously as, say, Sylvester Stallone, and recast him as Mr Family Entertainment.

Brotherly love … Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito in Twins. Photograph: Landmark Media/Alamy

19. End of Days (1999)

Arnie’s career had passed its peak when he tackled the sort of biblical action-horror that was all the rage around the millennium. As an alcoholic NYPD ex-cop he uses brawn, bazookas and religious faith to stop Satan from impregnating an unwilling maiden. And gets beaten up by Miriam Margolyes.

18. Escape Plan (2013)

In the first non-Expendables collaboration between two action movie legends, Schwarzenegger plays a wily convict who befriends an escape specialist (Stallone), who has himself been double-crossed and incarcerated in the prison from hell. A highlight is Arnie distracting the evil warden with a crazy monologue … in German! Heilige Scheisse!

Parental duties … Arnie in Maggie. Photograph: Album/Alamy

17. Maggie (2015)

Schwarzenegger proves he can pull off a non-action role as a father whose teenage daughter (Abigail Breslin) is slowly succumbing to an infected bite inflicted during a zombie plague. Unlike Zombieland (in which Breslin had also appeared), the tone is unrelentingly sombre. Both lead performances are terrific, albeit let down by leaden pacing.

16. Eraser (1996)

Solid if uninspired mid-period Arnie. He plays a US marshal framed by a colleague while protecting a whistleblower. This indestructible unit keeps getting kebabbed on bits of metal, throws himself out of a plane without visible damage and roadtests a new catchphrase: “You have just been erased.”

15. Last Action Hero (1993)

An 11-year-old is magically transported into the fictional universe of his screen hero, Jack Slater (Schwarzenegger). John McTiernan’s metacommentary on the action genre is overburdened with in-jokes and movie references, but is worth seeing for a glimpse of Arnie playing Hamlet. To be or not to be? “Not to be.” Boom!

14. True Lies (1994)

James Cameron’s gargantuan remake of a modest French action-comedy belongs to that subgenre in which gaslit women unaccountably fail to notice their partners are secret agents or assassins. Some mean-spirited and racist elements are offset by spectacular action, plus Arnie having a ball channelling his inner 007.

Modest action made good … Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies. Photograph: 20 Century Fox/Sportsphoto/Allstar

13. Raw Deal (1986)

Schwarzenegger consolidates his developing 1980s action star status by moving into Chuck Norris territory, though without breaking new ground. Incorruptible ex-cop Mark Kaminski infiltrates the Chicago mob, guns down all the bad guys without a qualm, and rehabilitates a moll while remaining faithful to his alcoholic wife.

12. Sabotage (2014)

Displaying something suspiciously close to gravitas, Arnie is great as the grizzled leader of a squad of gung-ho DEA agents who are being gruesomely butchered, one by one. Alas, David Ayer’s ultra-violent variation on Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None was savagely chopped down by the studio. Director’s cut, please!

11. The Expendables 2 (2012)

Schwarzenegger expands on his cameo as Trench Mauser in the original lunkhead-a-thon to take more of an active role in the sequel. The plot is basically Barney Ross (Stallone) and the Temple of Plutonium, with CGI blood, action stars up the wazoo, and scene-stealing Scott Adkins as Hector (AKA, Evil Henchman No 1).

10. The Last Stand (2013)

Back on screen after his stint as governor of California, Arnie embraces the challenge of advancing years as the sheriff of a sleepy Arizona town, prepping for a High Noon-style showdown with the drug lord heading his way in a superfast Chevy. Kim Jee-woon’s English language debut isn’t up to his South Korean films (A Bittersweet Life, et al), but he sure knows how to direct old-school action.

9. Stay Hungry (1976)

Schwarzenegger had a bit part in The Long Goodbye, but his first substantial role, in Bob Rafelson’s comedy drama, won him a Golden Globe for New Star of the Year. The former Mr Olympia plays a bodybuilder, so it’s not exactly a stretch. Jeff Bridges and Sally Field are nominal headliners, but all eyes are on the man with the Austrian accent.

8. Pumping Iron (1977)

Stay Hungry kickstarted Schwarzenegger’s acting career, but this docudrama about bodybuilding made him a household name, and was such a smash hit it boosted gym membership across the US. Arnie and Lou Ferrigno (soon to be cast as TV’s The Incredible Hulk) compete for the title of Mr Olympia. Already in control of his screen image, the Austrian Oak oozes charisma and arrogance, with a redeeming touch of humour. A star is born!

7. The Running Man (1987)

This cheesy but irresistible adaptation of a story by Richard Bachman (AKA Stephen King) once seemed far-fetched, but now looks almost prescient. A fascist government forces Arnie to wear Spandex and compete in a reality TV show, in which he is chased around an underground car park by homicidal gladiators. He gets his own back by slaughtering them while quipping things like: “He had to split!”

6. Commando (1985)

Schwarzenegger hits the action movie sweet-spot as Lt Col John Matrix, a single dad with arms as big as tree trunks, who is also a trained killer, which comes in handy when his daughter is kidnapped by the lackeys of a Central American dictator. Result: lots of violent death, some homoerotic tussling, and more of those groan-making quips. “Let off some steam!”

Homoerotic tussling … Arnie as Lt Col John Matrix in Commando. Photograph: 20thcentury Fox/Allstar

5. Predator (1987)

Deep in the Central American jungle, Alan “Dutch” Schaefer’s paramilitary buddies are being sliced and diced by an invisible entity with even bigger pecs than our hero. What begins as lunkhead action explodes into a sci-fi franchise and yet another definitive 1980s role for Arnie. Initial critical reception was mixed, but its standing has risen over the years.

4. Total Recall (1990)

Schwarzy plays a construction worker whose visit to a virtual travel agency results in scrambled brain cells, everyone trying to kill him, and a trip to Mars. Paul Verhoeven’s crunchy sci-fi action pic also features exploding heads, multibreasted mutants and clever mind games courtesy of the Philip K Dick source material. The pre-CGI special effects once looked trashy and dated, but are now just super fun.

Arnie’s Douglas Quaid, mid-scrambling … Total Recall. Photograph: Carolco Pictures/Allstar

3. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

In keeping with his expansion into family-friendly comedies like Twins, Arnie plays a gentler, kinder type of T-800 in this sequel. This time he is sent from the future to protect a bratty kid from a killbot made of shape-shifting liquid metal. Linda Hamilton, also reprising her role from the first film, now has biceps almost as big as Arnie’s. Not as streamlined as the original, but the special effects are sensational, as is the tagline: “It’s nothing personal.”

Superstar killbot … as the titular Terminator. Photograph: Orion Pictures/Allstar

2. Conan the Barbarian (1982)

By Crom! Arnold hews his way through the Hyborian Age in John Milius’s ripping adaptation of Robert E Howard’s heroic fantasy, prefaced by a quote from Nietzsche. Oliver Stone was Milius’s co-writer, so subtlety is not on the agenda, but who cares when our man is punching camels, chomping on vultures and making out with Valkyries on a quest to avenge his slaughtered parents. We want King Conan!

1. The Terminator (1984)

“Your clothes. Give them to me. Now.” Terminator fans fall into one of two camps. Some favour Judgment Day. Purists prefer the B-movie badass-ness of its progenitor, which propelled its leading man to superstardom. Schwarzenegger has never been as perfectly cast as the killbot sent from the future to kill the waitress destined to give birth to the man who will save the world from the machines who sent the killbot … “I’ll be back.”

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