We hear the term “far-Right” a lot these days. Or at least, we do if we get our news from the BBC, The Guardian or prominent Left-wing pundits. But what precisely do they mean by it? Unfortunately, they rarely say. They tend to just call a party, politician or group of voters “far-Right”, and leave it at that.
Thankfully, help is at hand. Take our quick quiz to discover whether you too are at risk of joining the ever-growing number of dangerous extremists labelled “far-Right”…
1. In 1993, the UK had an annual net immigration figure of about zero. Thirty years later, in 2023, it had an annual net immigration figure of 685,000. How do you feel about this change?
a. It just goes to show how much Rishi Sunak’s racist, xenophobic, Islamophobic, Little Englander Tory Government hates migrants. The 2023 figure should have been at least twice as high.
b. I can’t see any problems with it. Certainly not in the charming, peaceful and expensive middle-class suburb where I live.
c. Now you put it like that, the 2023 figure does seem a trifle on the steep side.
2. Do women have penises?
a. Obviously. Come on, this is basic biology. As of about 2015.
b. Oh, must we really keep on stoking these beastly culture wars? What’s wrong with placing convicted rapists in a prison full of women, anyway?
c. Er… no?
3. Last Saturday the IDF rescued four Israeli hostages from Gaza. What was your reaction?
a. Like every other decent, compassionate human being, I was utterly appalled by the premeditated slaughter of innocent Hamas operatives.
b. Both sides should just set aside their differences and live in peace. Why does no one seem to have thought of this?
c. If Hamas didn’t want the IDF to launch an armed operation to rescue the hostages, perhaps they shouldn’t have taken the hostages in the first place.
4. Last month, a councillor in Leeds ended his local elections acceptance speech by screaming, “Allahu Akbar!” How did you feel about this?
a. There was nothing remotely sinister or threatening about it at all. As anyone who knows the first thing about Islamic culture can tell you, it actually translates as “happy birthday”.
b. Do we really have to dwell on this sort of thing? It’s all terribly awkward and uncomfortable. Look, let’s just keep our heads down, and I’m sure it’ll all blow over.
c. He may well be a very nice man once you get to know him, but I can’t say I’ve got any immediate plans to invite him over for wine and nibbles.
YOUR ANSWERS
Mostly a: Congratulations! You’re a progressive. You therefore hold all the approved opinions about today’s key issues.
Mostly b: You’re a centrist. As a result, you believe in moderation, nuance, and never expressing any opinion that might damage your standing in fashionable circles. If Person X argues that 2+2=4 and Person Y argues that 2+2=5, you propose a sensible compromise of 4½.
Mostly c: You far-Right, bigoted, hate-filled, genocidal, transphobic Zionist. You are literally Hitler.
Gaga Greens
Liberal commentators used to say that Ukip was a repository for people too bonkers for the Tories. I wonder whether they’ll now say the same about what’s happening on the Left. Because the Greens, it seems to me, have become a repository for people too bonkers for Labour. They’re a magnet for fanatics. A lodestone for loons. It’s as if they launched a recruitment campaign using the slogan: “Join the Greens – the party that puts the ‘mental’ in ‘environmentalism’.”
Still, it’s not just their supporters who can be a touch eccentric. Take this remarkable story about their deputy leader, Zack Polanski. While working as a hypnotherapist on Harley Street 11 years ago, he told a female Sun journalist that, by harnessing the powers of her unconscious mind, he could help make her breasts bigger.
Since entering politics, Mr Polanski has become rather embarrassed by this story. When questioned about it by LBC radio on Wednesday, he said he’d apologised for his comments.
In a way, though, I wish he’d stood his ground. He could have argued that, like any good Green, he was simply trying to reduce our reliance on plastic.
In any case, Mr Polanski is not the first politician to have made such a pledge. During the election campaign of 2005, Boris Johnson declared that voting Conservative would “cause your wife to have bigger breasts”.
Another broken promise. No wonder Tory voters are so unhappy.
Rowling in the aisles
A “queer-identifying” dramatist has written a play about JK Rowling, portraying her as a “terf” (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist) for her opposition to gender ideology. Reportedly, however, the play’s producers are struggling to find actresses willing to fill the female roles.
Personally I don’t see the problem. Surely men could play those parts just as well.
Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday