Sunday, December 22, 2024

All hail Great British Energy, presented by Wallace and Gromit

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Speaking of which, it was over to Gromit, who began by revealing a little-known fact about his father’s profession. 

“As the media will know,” he announced, “my dad was a toolmaker”. 

Two people in hi-vis jackets behind him shared a side-eyed glance. They will presumably be neutralised by MI5 later today for mocking the background of our glorious leader.

He complained of inheriting the “worst set of circumstances since the Second World War” – worse than 2010, worse even than Labour’s 1974 inheritance which was swiftly followed by a visit to the IMF. 

For someone who says he’ll be getting on with the act of government, he does an awful lot of complaining about the last one. (“The work of government begins now… but first let me have a good old moan”.)

Of course, Gromit knew who to blame. “When the Conservative Party cut investment…” he moaned, literally wagging his finger. 

Indeed, there is something of the non-conformist preacher about much of Starmer’s rhetoric at the moment. 

He lamented “the rot of shortsightedness and self-service that has weakened the foundations of our country”. 

The fact that he has imported a speechwriter from that other master of nasal hectoring, Justin Welby, is beginning to show. At times it was like an AI version of The Pilgrim’s Progress.

In the midst of the slough of despond, Wallace and Gromit appear to have dropped their election pledge to cut energy bills by £300. 

When people are doing their best to say nothing, it normally suggests there’s something they’re keen to hide.

The government of gobbledygook was not, alas, limited to Runcorn. 

Over in the Commons, Joe Powell, one of Labour’s new legion of MPs, asked about upping “ambition in the implementation of the procurement act so we have the data, the skills and the digital tools to drive a more mission-driven and economically transformative procurement across the Government”. 

There we go, Great British Energy bakers: your technical challenge for this week is to work out what the hell any of that means.

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