England football superstar Jude Bellingham is at the centre of a firestorm at the Euros in Germany after performing an allegedly X-rated gesture following the thrilling 2-1 win over Slovakia.
Uefa are officially investigating the incident in which Bellingham appeared to feign grabbing his crotch towards the opposition bench.
But he’s emphatically denied any suggestion that it was an insult, or aimed at Slovakia’s team or officials, stating on X (formerly Twitter): ‘It was an inside joke gesture towards some close friends who were at the game. Nothing but respect for how that Slovakia team played tonight.’
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However, if the authorities don’t believe him then Bellingham could be banned from Saturday’s crucial quarter-final clash with Switzerland, and possibly more games too if we progress further in the tournament.
So, the stakes couldn’t be higher; in fact, England’s chances of winning the Euros could well come down to persuading Uefa that our star man was indeed gesticulating to his mates, and to providing a strong enough explanation of the message he was passing on to have him exonerated.
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As my own gesture of support, as part of the ‘Justice for Jude’ campaign, I have compiled a list of ten things he might have been trying to communicate:
1. His Cajones
The best, and most easily provable, excuse is that he was just telling his mates he’s got massive cojones.
Jude, a young man with a very healthy ego, used this very signal before when he’s scored huge late goals.
Indeed, he did it in April when he netted a last-minute winner for Real Madrid against Barcelona in another El Clasico.
And that time, it was towards his own fans so couldn’t possibly be an insult.
Frankly, if a 21-year-old footballer can’t boast about having big balls when he scores wonder-goals, then what the hell is the world coming to?
2. A medical emergency
It was a cry for medical help.
Jude was informing his mates that he twinged his groin performing the heroic overhead kick that saved England from an early Euros exit, abject ignominy and global mockery.
If you study the incredibly skilful manoeuvre he made, it’s very clear that in bending his body into the right place to execute the shot, his lower abdominal area came under severe pressure, and he wanted his mates to tell England’s physio he’d need an urgent massage when he came off the pitch.
3. Shopping for Laura
He’s an incredible romantic who was flashing a 5-digit signal (four fingers and a thumb) to his mates to go buy him a bottle of Chanel No5 perfume as a celebratory gift for his girlfriend, Dutch model Laura Celia Valk.
He has to keep her happy because their relationship is now being talked up as potentially bigger than Posh and Becks, and right up there with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.
This would also explain the fingers-to-nose gesture which was obviously him telling them to keep it quiet and not let her get a whiff of his present before he gave it to her.
4. Wanted a cuppa
He was making an urgent cupping gesture to denote that he and Harry Kane both wanted cups of tea after the game.
Jude barely drinks alcohol, and Harry is teetotal.
The fact he deliberately moved his fingers to his parched lips after the cupping signal is further evidence that it was all very clearly a request for his mates to make them much-needed, medically recommended, soothingly hydrating CUPS OF TEA.
5. Package pride
Jude was making a joke about all the rave reviews he’s had in the past year declaring that he is ‘the complete package.’
These reviews have inevitably led to his mates constantly ribbing him about his ‘complete package’ in the way that all men do with their male friends whenever there’s any reference to a package of any kind.
Jude’s repeated gesticulation towards a certain part of his anatomy was a deadpan statement of confirmation that his package is indeed impressively complete.
6. Madrid nod
Jude’s shirt number for Real Madrid is No5, so he was sending a subliminal message to his mates (who we can pretend are all Real Madrid fans for the purposes of this investigation) that the genius level of his goal was entirely down to the elite-level training he’s done at Madrid that’s made him one of the world’s best players.
7. Channelling Cristiano
He was channelling one of his heroes, Cristiano Ronaldo, who once celebrated an El Clasico goal for Madrid against Barcelona in the rival’s Nou Camp stadium by sticking his hands out and saying ‘calma, calma’, then shushing them with his fingers.
Jude just forgot which way he should be pointing his hands, and that you shush by putting your fingers to your lips not your nose – both easy mistakes to make in the pressure cauldron of an international tournament when you’ve just helped win a crucial knock-out match with a worldie.
8. Olympic outrage
Jude was highlighting the iconic 5 Olympic rings because he wants to raise awareness that it’s ridiculous Team GB won’t be fielding a men’s football team in the upcoming Paris Olympics.
This is due to the stupid ongoing dispute between the four home nation teams that means they can’t agree to play together.
Jude’s livid that this will stop him winning an Olympic medal and was merely letting off steam about it.
9. Hunger game
Jude was starving hungry after the match, not least because he expended so much more energy during the 30 minutes of extra time, so he was frantically telling his mates that his stomach needed filling with his favourite dish, baked beans and eggs.
10. Hitting back at Gary
Jude was winding up Gary Lineker, who branded the England team as ‘sh*t’ after an earlier match, by pointing out he’s better endowed than the BBC’s star presenter, which is almost certainly true.