Name: Selfie surprise.
Age: 185 years old. Robert Cornelius took the first selfie in 1839.
Appearance: Completely disgusting.
I’m already defensive. “Selfie surprise” sounds like the name of a bad pudding at a novelty restaurant. Hey, calm down, this has got nothing to do with food.
Phew. It’s actually about head lice infestations.
That’s worse. It isn’t worse; it’s important. There’s a creeping fear that head lice infestations are growing around the world – and the cause is thought to be selfies.
I don’t understand. Are the lice attracted by the non-ionising radiation given off by phones? No, that’s not it.
Did the extraction of rare minerals necessary to create modern phone cameras disrupt some sort of frozen prehistoric lice megahive? Look, I’ll just tell you. People are knocking heads.
What? The Washington Post just published an article suggesting that the global surge in head lice might be down to people putting their heads close together when they take group selfies.
Really? Yes. Head lice can’t jump or fly, so if they want to infect a new host, they need it to be close by. When people squash together for the camera, the theory goes, lice can stroll between them and lay eggs all over their scalps like nobody’s business.
Right. But selfies aren’t the only reason why people put their heads close together. I certainly can’t think of any other circumstances when this might happen, can you?
I don’t know, basic human intimacy? No, that doesn’t sound right. It’s definitely selfies. People didn’t get head lice before selfies were invented.
I’m pretty sure they did. Anyway, how significant is the problem? Head lice infestations are thought to be close to their pre-pandemic levels.
So the numbers are roughly the same as they were before everyone was legally obliged to stay away from each other, thereby almost eliminating the person-to-person spread of head lice? What are you saying – that this has nothing to do with selfies and is simply the host-parasite relationship regaining its normal balance?
Yes. No, I still think it’s more to do with selfies.
Why do you hate selfies so much? Because they’re dangerous! In the 13 years to 2022, more people died while taking selfies than were killed by sharks.
Makes sense. Almost everyone has a phone and almost nobody puts themselves in a position where they could be killed by a shark. OK, bad example. But selfies do make people put themselves at risk. There are reports of people who have fallen off cliffs, been bitten by snakes, fallen in volcanic geysers or been hit by trains in the pursuit of a selfie. The lice thing is just a symptom.
So you’re saying that people should stop head lice by taking fewer selfies. Or by dousing themselves in medicated spray, yes.
Do say: “Hey everyone, let’s take a selfie!”
Don’t say: “No, I’m not suggesting that because I’m actually 4,000 head lice stacked on top of each other in a raincoat.”