Gregg Wallace has had quite a week, hasn’t he? Thanks to his relentless digging, the hole only seems to get deeper. Since several accusations emerged of the MasterChef presenter’s reportedly inappropriate behaviour – the latest being from his biographer, Shannon Kyle, who alleges that he “dropped his towel” in front of her and gave her a “thigh rub” each time he changed gears while driving – he has struggled to “own the narrative”; Wallace denies all accusations, including the aforementioned, and after he misguidedly levelled his anger at “middle-class women of a certain age”, has since apologised for his behaviour. And then he apologised for his apology, too.
It was undoubtedly one of the most obvious PR failures in a long time. But, unwittingly, Wallace’s misogynistic categorisation of “middle-class women of a certain age” – his obvious disdain – put him firmly in a category too: a certain kind of middle-class man of a certain age.
From Elon Musk, Donald Trump and Jordan Peterson to the uncle you’ll be facing across the dining table on Christmas Day – there are middle-class men of a certain age (MCMOACA) everywhere. How to spot them? Here are a few clues…
He’s prone to ‘an ice bath’
The overwrought “alpha” craze has been taken up by the likes of Russell Brand and, famously, Jeff Bezos, one of the leading men in the “biohacking” movement. Biohacking is essentially people trying to be younger than they are and apparently helps with focus and productivity. Pity it doesn’t help with their propensity for arrogance, self-obsession and boorishness. In fact, when you look at the “ice man” himself, Wim Hof, you could claim it has the opposite effect.
He’s planning a new career as a stand-up comedian
Expect material about that fact “you just can’t say anything [sexist] anymore!”, and lamenting “the LGBTQDZOWNSZ brigade”. Comedy is being censored – everyone is either offended or cancelled, they’ll tell you. Luckily this middle-class man of a certain age is here to save it. Just don’t joke about him. There’s a line.
He’s learning ‘Blackbird’ on the guitar
“Blackbird”, another song by The Beatles or “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zepplin – but strictly one to two songs only, learned to justify buying seven guitars, an amp and some fancy production software. He just “loves to noodle on the old axe”.
He’s tending to fermenting mason jars
Wait ‘til you try his new hot sauce.
He’s (not) dealing with daddy issues
Donald Trump wrote in The Art of the Deal that he “was never intimidated by my father, the way most people were”. He stood up to him instead, Trump claims. Honest. In a 2017 Rolling Stone interview, errant father-of-11 Elon Musk cried while explaining that “almost every crime you can possibly think of, [my father] has done”. (Famously, his father has several children with his own stepdaughter.) Which bring us to the fact…
…He only dates younger women
According to the excellent @Swipes4Daddy Instagram account, on which its creator, twentysomething Erika, has documented almost 4,000 interactions with men 45+, this is for a plethora of reasons. For example: to prove they are “young and fit”, or simply because “a lot of women are damaged”. (Or, they’re women of a certain age who can see through their issues at a hundred paces.)
They’ll claim “they can share so much with someone your age”, but from my own experience that’s likely to be his 20-year-old stories about winning a rowing trophy once, a lot of mummy issues and many tears (him).
He loves talking about eating red meat
Shorthand for “vote leave” and, in the case of Joe Rogan and Elon Musk – king of the new-age cavemen, who this week hinted at a red-meat renaissance – environmental ignorance. Rogan and Musk denied that beef has any impact on climate change, and was quickly fact-checked (quite clearly, it does). Last year X, formerly Twitter, was “slammed” by environmental groups for their approach to dealing with climate change misinformation. Go figure.
He makes being incompetent ‘a thing’
Or just strategically avoids responsibility, mostly when it comes to planning dinner, remembering birthday presents or any other menial task that, really, no one wants to do. Laziness, thoughtlessness – or those mummy issues rearing up again? You decide.
He has no spatial awareness
On the tube, in meetings, and when speaking loudly on the phone in public spaces. Manspreading. Whether he’s hogging the fast lane, the swim lane, or the cycle lane – or expecting you to swerve around him as he purposefully strides towards you on the pavement, the chances are he hasn’t even seen you. He’s way too busy seeing himself as the most important person in the room. Got that?
He can’t hear you either
Most women will be able to rattle off any number of situations where they have sat next to a MCMOACA and not been asked one question about themselves. More problematically, this type of man also doesn’t listen when women recount all the times men have made them feel uncomfortable. Examples from my own life recently: being followed all the way home from a Christmas party by a man who couldn’t hear that he wasn’t welcome in my flat (me); a friend who “couldn’t take a joke” when the joke was about the size of her male friend’s d***. Another was told by a senior partner to lighten up when she didn’t laugh at his joke about there being too much “bouncing” in a recent presentation.
He really likes to tweet
Look for a blue tick and keywords like “brainwashed”, “propaganda” and “truth”, or bemoaning “mob rule”.
But of course, please accept our disclaimer. We know it is *#NotAllMen. But maybe #someofyourfriends.