How to describe Dating Naked UK (Paramount+)? It’s Love Island crossed with the sausage section of the supermarket meat aisle. It’s a nudist colony for people who couldn’t get through the Big Brother auditions. It’s a show in which the contestants don’t wear any clothes, but so unerotic that my main thought when watching it was to hope the seating areas get a good going-over with antibacterial wet wipes.
Rylan Clark presents it. I love Rylan and won’t say a bad word about him, so he won’t be getting another mention here. The contestants, on the other hand… Well. They all introduce themselves with their entirely disingenuous reasons for taking part.
“I think being naked will allow me to really get to know someone on a deeper level.” Sure. “Girls will be able to focus on me and who I am as a person.” Righto. And my personal favourite: “I’m from a very religious background, my dad’s a pastor, and I said to myself, ‘Adam and Eve found love naked – now it’s my turn’.”
They arrive at the villa (this really is a shameless rip-off of Love Island) and instantly disrobe as they walk up the path. “Being naked in front of strangers is going to be a big challenge for me,” claims one girl, who could have avoided that challenge by not taking part in a TV show which involves being naked in front of strangers.
It’s full-frontal. None of them look even remotely embarrassed about it, although the introductory hugs have to be conducted at an angle to avoid genital contact. They’re all as shiny and hairless as Barbie and Ken dolls. They remain naked for the entirety of the series, except for a microphone pack – which has to be worn as a necklace, because there’s nothing to clip it on to – and some plastic slippers.
When they sit in a Big Brother-style chair to address the camera, the girls cross their legs so we’re not getting a Basic Instinct view, but the men let it all hang out. They all pretend not to be checking out each other’s bits, though one girl does admit: “I catch myself looking down sometimes. My eyes are just getting stuck on the penis.” Erections aren’t shown, although we know when they happen because everyone points and laughs.
Dating Naked UK isn’t necessarily awful because the contestants are naked. It’s awful and the contestants are naked. Once the novelty has worn off, it’s a dire, derivative reality contest with absolutely nothing to offer. “Strict hygiene and dignity protocols were in place during filming,” a disclaimer informs us at the end. The mind boggles.