How to be social (or not)
Stay sober at kids’ parties Limit yourself to no more than two alcoholic drinks. Harder said than done on a summer’s day, yes, but you don’t want to accidentally try it on with the birthday girl’s fit dad, or become known in someone’s WhatsApp group as “The one who flashed during pass the parcel”.
Home visits Shoes on/shoes off: it’s house rules, simple as. Assuming you do not have a physical ailment that prevents the removal of shoes, just suck it up and buy some nice socks knowing your hosts will be seeing them later. Bonus: you now have some nice socks.
Mutual ghosting is a deft solution to social awkwardness. Colleague on the tube? No chat required. Spot the sibling of an ex at a festival? Keep moving. If neither party has texted, no need to apologise.
Eating in
What time’s dinner? You’re invited for supper at eight: 8.13pm is the very earliest you can pitch up; before that your hosts (still changing, shoving detritus in cupboards, arguing) will pretend not to have heard the doorbell.
Always buy in at least one course The French would never dream of cooking three courses – one is always bought. Do you think anyone actually makes a tarte tatin themselves?
Eating out
No show, no no! Rule one: if you book a table, turn up, or cancel well in advance. Rule two: if you book a table, turn up, or cancel well in advance. Rule three: if you book a table, turn up… and so on. Never be a no-show. It’s rude.
Must I tip? Unless you have a real beef with the service, always tip. Tipping is a truly awful system. We’d much prefer those serving us to be paid a proper wage and that we could simply express our gratitude by saying thank you. But it’s the system we have. Don’t penalise someone else’s income because of a system over which they have no control.
Hold the lettuce Don’t treat the menu as an opening gambit in a negotiation by asking to change every dish. You can look up a menu in advance online. If you don’t want to eat their food, go somewhere else.
Employ simple maths If you’re in a group just split the bill equally. Don’t be one of those people trying to work out who had the soup and who had the crab. If your friends won’t play ball, find new friends.
Train pain Pongy snacks risk making others queasy. Appropriate public transport foods are limited to dried fruit, chocolate, or potentially an orange.
Picnics are for sharing But some people (you know who you are) picnic-dish hoard, keeping their tasty stuffed vine leaves and swish parmesan twirls nice and close so no one can reach them. You know the rules: pool your picnic provisions.
Out and about
Pooch politesse When your dog makes a beeline for the genitals of a stranger’s dog in the park, causing the stranger to come to a halt, smile approvingly as the sniffing commences and then look away. Do not make small talk. Walk on when the two dogs separate, and not before.
Streets ahead Do not be so absorbed in your phone that you cause an obstruction. Men, do not make women play patriarchy chicken with you – get out of their way.
Grooming on the move Applying makeup while on the bus or train is fine, but anything where DNA could be flying around – brushing your hair, cutting your nails, stuff involving teeth – is absolutely unacceptable.
Assume the position Don’t bother wiping down your yoga mat at the end of class. No one believes it does anything. Just roll it up and put it away. The sweat is probably what keeps them bouncy.
Travel update Sitting in the quiet coach? For the love of God, STFU. Or more fairly: you might not have noticed you’re in the quiet coach, but if someone points it out to you or if you feel an icy cloud of disapproval, maybe check. Also, you shouldn’t conduct yearly appraisals or breakups on the train, even in the loud coaches.
Sickness alert If you’re sick, don’t spring it on people. In public, keep your secretions to yourself – the elbow cough or sneeze remains best practice – and don’t go to work if you’re ill, you aren’t that important. Be active and mindful of your partner’s pains and needs around periods and menopause. And don’t tell sick people about the miracle supplement, positive thinking or “healing” kundalini yoga course you’re certain will help; they’ve suffered enough.
Is this seat taken? No! Don’t reserve the seat next to you on public transport with a bag, or sit on the outside of a two-seater, hoping others will be too shy to squeeze across you. Conversely, don’t sit next to someone if there are seats free elsewhere. That’s plain weird.
Give it up Comfy? Too bad. Always look up from your phone or book when your train or bus stops to see if someone standing needs your seat more than you. If in doubt, offer – some disabilities aren’t obvious.
Digital dilemmas
Leaving a WhatsApp group Alas, there is no straightforward way – it always looks like dramatic flouncing. The polite compromise is to simply archive it. The group can merrily continue chatting while you are finally free.
Be classy when you’re on social media Leaping on to news stories about private schools or council housing to remind your followers that your father was, for eg, a toolmaker, is embarrassing and gauche.
Love me It is essential to like friends’ vulnerable selfies within five minutes of posting. Any longer is passive aggression.
It’s been ages Don’t send long texts out of the blue. If you haven’t spoken to someone for a month, refrain from sending a lengthy text. Just say “Hi!”, wait for a reply and then have a conversation going through different points.
Everyone has been sent the same meme at least twice. Saying you saw it a year ago makes you look mean when the sender is just trying to make a connection. Laughing emojis acceptable here.
Copy in at your peril BCCing people on emails, whether for an invitation or in a work email, is a no-no; it’s a power-play and it puts recipients on the backfoot. Come clean.
Keep stumm Never gossip or tell secrets in email or over text – there is a large and horrible chance it will be screengrabbed and seen by unwanted eyes. Stick to voice notes or quiet coffee breaks.
Stranger danger Don’t post identifiable pictures of strangers on social media, even if you’re not mocking their dress sense or dancing (goes without saying surely, never do this). Maybe they weren’t meant to be there, or they might hate the angle you captured of their chin.
Dating and sex
Hinge cringe Dating is not ordering a pizza, you can’t write a list of qualities you want and hope the right partner gets delivered. Also, everyone believes they are “kind, adventurous, not a Tory!!!” The only way to find out if they actually are is to take them to the pub.
Delayed gratification It’s not acceptable to look at your phone after sex until one of you has left the bed. Those Depop offers can wait.
Space invaders Dumpers owe it to dumpees to make life a bit easier. If you’ve fallen out of love with someone who is hurt by the end of the relationship, then don’t show up where they’re going to be and hang out with their friends. You can afford to give them some space.
When it’s over, it’s over If a first date gives a flimsy excuse not to meet again – something about work, or a neighbour’s batmitzvah – accept it. Let yourself be let down easily, rather than pursuing the other person down a cul-de-sac marked: “I just don’t fancy you.”
Relationship realities
On repeat When watching a series with your partner, be prepared to politely rewatch any episodes you secretly viewed alone.
Choose your moment You can spend up to three months in a loveless relationship. Sometimes it just really isn’t convenient to break up – a parent is dying, you just got a new job, there are a few months left on the lease. It doesn’t make you a monster to postpone your break-up for a less destructive moment, but give yourself a time limit or you’re just avoiding the inevitable.
Family time
Curb your enthusiasm Refrain from shouting at kids that aren’t your own. But if you know them well, it’s totally acceptable to tell them off when they’re being vile.
New balance Avoid taking sides. When someone slags off their family or partner, never do the same. Show loyalty without joining in.
Parental guidance Don’t look at your adult children’s social media, unless they’ve followed or tagged you or told you to look. If you have to hunt down their account, it wasn’t meant for you. If you can’t help being a massive creep, we understand, but do not like, comment, or let slip that you’ve looked.
Boasting is for losers If your child is doing incredibly well at something, like sleeping through the night or eating broccoli, do not announce this to a fellow parent unprompted. Ditto for teens – avoid boasting online about A-levels or various successes. Keep pride for dinnertime.
Forever friends
Clothes crush If you love something a friend is wearing, it’s bad form to copycat buy without permission. “I love your top, would it be OK with you if I bought one?” gives them a chance to object (or you a chance to see their face as they unconvincingly say it’s fine, and think again). If you only see each other twice a year or less, go ahead.
Know their limit Tell a good friend if they’re a bad drunk. Not all drinkers are created equal. For some, two pints of Guinness adds to a lilting charm, others start telling you the same story 12 times in a row. If you can’t bear to be around someone when they’ve had a few, tell them kindly when they’re sober. It’s up to them whether they take heed, but most of us would prefer to know.
Sorry is the hardest word Weigh up the size of the apology. It goes: text (you forgot their birthday), call (you offended them) or write a card (you wronged them). Stay cool, don’t do “Sorry if you felt…” and if the apology is not immediately accepted, grovel.
Sharing is caring When someone tells you about a problem they’ve had, give it a minute before you unload the “I had the same thing! I totally get it, here’s what I did.” Empathy is beautiful but don’t try to own their experience. Let them talk.
Nice neighbours don’t need to be great friends. But they shouldn’t be dicks to each other either. Say hi when your paths cross, don’t make a racket at antisocial hours, take their bins in now and then.
Stuck on you If a friend has lipstick on their teeth or spinach between them, say something. This is a sisterly thing to do. That said, discretion is key.
Your big day Before you ask your mate to be your best man or bridesmaid, consider how they’ll really feel about the extra responsibility of organising a hen or stag, the attention on the day, etc. If they won’t enjoy it, let them off the hook or make sure there’s another friend on board who thrives off the industrial wedding complex and can take the lion’s share of the work.
Gift of not giving Gifts are only required for close friends’ children or your godchildren until they’re 12; after that a tenner is fine. You’re entitled to stop giving gifts when a child of your acquaintance turns 18; sooner if they never say thank you.
Visiting rights Two nights is long enough to stay with anyone, full stop. Bring a good gift: a bottle of something, a giant bag of Maltesers, an expensive cheese. Refrain from having sex in their spare room. Strip the bed when you leave, open a window, and leave the towel folded.
Thinking of you Always send a letter of condolence, the sooner the better. But don’t get stressed if weeks have passed, worrying it’s too late – just send it.
Make it work
All on my own It’s fine to be a nepo baby but pathetic to deny it. Lots of people do the same job as one of their parents; just don’t pretend it didn’t give you an advantage. Even if it wasn’t as blatant as them “getting you a job”, you were still given an education and milieu that others didn’t have. Look to athletes, who are able to recognise their sporting parents’ guidance and inspiration without anyone denying their own ability.
Salary chat If someone asks what you earn, just tell them. The only way we narrow pay gaps and eliminate inequities is by exposing them, so as many of us as possible should put this information into the public domain. By the same token, if you’re curious, ask. Politely.
Zoom rules If you’re going to use the Zoom camera to check your appearance, don’t be subtle about it. Work both profiles, check roots, do duckface. Give us all a show. It’s somehow more honest.
Know your colleagues If you struggle to pronounce a colleague’s name, don’t force a nickname, or avoid the issue. Learn how to say it, and spell it too. We learn foreign sports stars’ names all the time. Two minutes of you feeling embarrassed is better than them feeling fed up or ignored for two years.
Microwave musts Reset the shared microwave back to zero, rather than leaving an arbitrary number of seconds on the digital display. It’s unsettling.
Party time
What’s your name again? There is no statute of limitations on how often you can ask someone their name at a party, or be asked for yours. Offence is not an issue. Drinks have been had, the room is loud, and there are many new people. The fact of wanting to know, enough to ask three times, is flattering. And when they tell you, don’t forget to listen. Likewise, you can make it easier for everyone by introducing yourself, regularly, and early.
We’ve got a list When it comes to wedding gifts it’s cash, cash, cash. You so rarely get the chance to praise the mafia’s way of doing things, but honestly, anything else is a pain. Pay approximately what you will have cost them on the day, plus a little more, depending on how much you like them. And, needless to say, if they were guests at your wedding give them at least as much as they did you.
Shake that body Dance like no one’s watching, but yanking someone on to the dancefloor who has been studiously nursing a drink and avoiding eye contact with you is a no-no.
Perfume permission Before you leave the house, consider this: not everyone will love your perfume. Apply modestly. One spray, then walk.
Mwah mwah Air kisses are back, which is just as well. Because getting makeup (or norovirus) on someone else isn’t. So unless you are with a romantic partner, in social settings, pretend kisses are best.
And we’re out Know when it’s time to leave the party, then do so abruptly. No one needs a song and dance when you leave… provided you do it right. Tell one trusted person to disseminate news of your departure a discreet period of time after you leave (5, 10 minutes being exemplary). Bye!
Model: Chi Chi Ogbu at Source Models; hair, makeup and nails by Sarah Cherry using Charlotte Tilbury; all clothes by meandem.com
Words by By Emma Beddington, Funmi Fetto, Genevieve Fox, Martin Love, Hayley Myers, Séamas O’Reilly, Jay Rayner, Rhik Samadder, Eva Wiseman and Sam Wolfson